If you have to throw up,
get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an
Oriental rug. Shag is good.
Determine which guest
hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. They won't dare push you
off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat
food on your breath, so much the better.
For sitting on laps or
rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your
own.
Always accompany guests
to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
For guests who say, "I
love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings
or a quick nip on the ankles.
Do not allow closed
doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with
forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use
it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door
opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This
is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
If one person is busy
and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in
close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
For ladies knitting,
curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap
knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She
will try to distract you. Ignore it.
For people doing
homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the
second time, push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils,
stamps -- one at a time.
When it becomes time to
dislodge a fur ball, choose the dining room at dinner time.
When your owner returns
home laden with packages, fall down in front of them -- this works best
on steps, all the better if the individual is proceeding downward. There
is always the chance you may get stepped on, but this usually guarantees
a fall and it you milk their guilt that follows it is usually worth it.
Should you run into a
closed sliding glass door or do anything stupid, never let on as much
and go about your business as if "I meant to do that."
If you allow a dog to
share your domain you are in luck. Should you tatter the drapes or
destroy anything for which you fear retribution, wait until your owner
(misnomer if there ever was one) is nearby, slap the dog and run for it.
Dogs are stupid and will accept blame for anything. If this ruse should
fail simply run and hide. No one really expects to catch a cat.
Chase, frolic, and run
from invisible entities. The why doesn't matter, it is just expected.
Get enough sleep during
the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 and 4
a.m.
Final Note: ALWAYS walk
ON the keyboard!
